Pure emotion

I don't feel much like writing, as that involves thinking, and feeling, and I'm trying to avoid it at the moment.
But I don't want to abandon this blog either. So just a quick update.

So I went to the psychiatrist last week, and surprised myself with all the crying I did in her office. I really didn't know I was in that bad of a state.
And even after that, for the rest of the day, I was so upset, I cried like a river.
So in the night I kept waking up and putting chamomille on my eyes to reduce the puffiness, so I could go to work in the morning.
But it felt so good, getting it all out... it was like, pure emotion, THIS is how I really feel... I'm so tired of pretending I'm fine... I feel BAD, I feel hopeless...

So she prescribed Zoloft (she said it was very mild, and I went huh??? so in what state should I be to be prescribed something more?), 5 minutes of singing and dancing each day, a quick walk dog-less each day, going out for coffee with someone twice a week and to a concert, movie, theatre every two weeks.

It sounded a bit patronizing, and I was really angry with her for not taking me seriously.
But then later, after getting it all out, to my mom and my sister (I think I scared mom a bit when she said I should be strong and hold, on, and I wailed, 'I have nothing to hold on to!'), I realized I'm... tired of taking care of this by myself.
So maybe I'll try and believe her that in 6 months she can make me feel better.

Getting worse

It's getting worse.

Yesterday at work was bad, it was kinda like I wasn't really awake.
Then my sis called me if I wanted to go out with her&friends, and at first I thought I'd say no, but then I don't know, I went 'what the heck' and joined them.

We went to a sushi restaurant. I've never eaten sushi before. Or sashimi. Or maki. Or the little yakitori.
I'm not really impressed.
Though I did have fun with the chopsticks.

Then I came home and dropped asleep after one episode of Friends.
Awoke at 2.30 AM, got up to feed the dogs and then started feeling so sad... like nothing will be right ever again, ever... I just wanted to die, so I wouldn't have to feel that anymore...
Thank goD for the dog. I called him to lie down beside me, and he did, and I kept my hand on his head and it was comforting, like, an anchor to reality. And even after he had enough and went away, he curled up at my feet, so I still could keep touching him with my foot, and it helped.

This morning I got up and I was ok. At least, more than I was last night. Better than yesterday.

But still. The feeling is here. Just maybe hidden, for the moment being. But it's there.
I was a tiny bit relieved when I read dooce's post yesterday. At least I know I'm not the only one.
But... maybe I won't wait the whole month for St. John's wort to kick in (or not). Maybe I should call that psychiatrist. Even tho I'm scared of her. Even tho I'm afraid she will be just another person I can tick off the list "tried to make them understand, but they don't".

It's just... I dont' want to fight anymore. I can't. It's not worth it. It doesn't help. Because it always comes back. This stupid feeling. I'm so flawed. So broken. I can't do what I want. Because I don't know what I want. I mean, I know, I want to sleep all the time. But that's not really it, is it?

And I'm tired... not just physically, but, I'm tired of fighting and not getting anywhere. Maybe fed up would be a better expression. Disappointed. A bit angry. And without much hope.
I can't think properly.
I can't focus.
I can't make decisions.
I dont' trust my own feelings.
I don't trust my own senses.
I can't feel love. I can't feel loved.
I dont' trust myself.
And I don't trust anybody else.

I can't take this anymore... and I can't fight this feeling that it won't get better, I don't have much energy left...

Slipknot

I can feel myself slipping down the slippery slope again.
I'm starting to shut down, daydreaming, taking it out on the dogs, I'm sleepy all the time and for my life I can't get up in the morning.
It's not so much anxiety - or maybe it is anxiety, maybe it's so much anxiety I'm shutting down because I can't take it and I'm becoming depressed.

So, considering the post about responsibility and the post about acceptance (that one I still have to write), I need to
1. accept this as it is and try to understand the message it sends me
2. take responsibility and try to solve it
3. be patient and try to solve it gently...

It's not easy... as when I try to accept it, then I feel I shouldn't mess with it; and when I try to tackle it down, I'd like to do that righthererightnow! without accepting the condition, I'd prefer to pretend it does not exist, just make it go away...

So anyway. I kinda made my mind about trying St. John's wort. There's a little voice inside of me that keeps saying, it won't help - because it's a bad, bad condition, and I need something more radical.
But on the other hand, what with trying to be so "bio" and natural and let myself heal myself, I'd rather try the natural remedy first before attacking my brain with synthetic compounds.
So I think I'll try this for a month. It takes a month to start working, anyway. So I'll try until the end of October, and if it's not good, or not good enough, I'll go see a psychiatrist.
The weather is gorgeous, and for the time being I still am able to take things day by day (it's an effort - I came up with a nice analogy, the one of Orpheus and Eurydice - but I'll write about that in another post).

I come home from work and want to go to sleep.

Maybe I'm just too tired?

I'm thinking of adding valerian to the st. John's wort, and see what happens.

The important

What I'm so excited about yesterday's stdt is that she doesn't want to push me. Which might take some time and effort, working a way around my walls, but she doesn't push me. I say "I don't know" and she says, it's ok, you don't need to know.

And she doesn't judge.

She-t pushes me. And is invasive. And she expresses her opinion a lot.
So now she's on my side, and makes me understand she cares.
But sometimes she's too much.

The last time she pushed, about two months ago, she scolded me and told me off, said I must stop using my child and start using my adult in sessions (transactional analysis stuff). And she was very happy with herself.
(but it doesn't make sense to me; the child is the one that needs help, not the adult - so why work on the adult?)

And last time she said that since then I've been much more active in sessions.

OK so maybe I am. But the time she pushed I felt bad, like, really bad. Really invaded. And ok so maybe it helped our sessions, but, it didn't help me in the long term... I mean, I don't know why I resisted her so much; I didn't learn much from it, so next time I resist someone in a similar way, I won't know what to do; and she scared me.

And it feels so strange, when she says, 'yeah my supervisor wouldn't approve of this', and I'm like, 'wtf are you telling me this?'.

Stdt speaks about connection, and I think she understands the importance of not pushing (kinda like positive dog training!), and patience.

But, I don't feel her, yet; so far I still need she-t. Even with all the bad stuff I just listed.

How complicated can it get?

Still, I need to be patient with myself... not hurry and push myself, trying to find a way out of this mess, even though I so wish I already would :(

The therapist

Today at stdt it was kinda funny. I was terribly sleepy, but relaxed still. We talked about the anxiety attack and whatnot, and we ended up sitting on the table by the wall, facing in the same direction, just looking at the opposite wall.

At first I was uncomfortable. She was really silent. And so neither of us said anything, we just laughed when our eyes met.
But then she explained that she feels that if she said anything it would be too much pressure on me, so she doesn't really know what to say. And I didn't know what to say either.
So we spent most of the session sitting there in silence, staring at the wall.

And it was strange, and funny, but I was relaxed.
And she said she feels ok, just sitting there, looking at the wall, each of us in her own head but that she felt connected. And she said I didn't need to tell her how I felt, just if I was ok, and I told her I was.

So as I was leaving I was still unsure if I wanted to drop her and stick with she-t.
And then I realized I could compromise - I could keep both! Just alternating them, one each week. So I don't go bankrupt.
I'm not sure it will be effective, but at least I can try.

And, I feel maybe I could tell her about it. Because I feel I can't tell it to she-t.
But still I can't leave her. I need her too.
Such a strange situation.

Recap

The last days were... well, kinda exhausting.

I'm even more unsure about the new therapist (stdt).
As I was walking to the session on Thursday (it's so close I felt it would be realy pretentious to drive) I suddenly let myself feel what I felt and act what I feel, and that is, my "push away" technology - and let her deal with that...
It's not that she's not nice, but... I just don't feel her. She's somehow like my second therapist (he-t). Distant. Very formal. And yet she's very much like my current therapist (she-t), with her ideas and approach. Like, I tell her I'm swept away by chaos in my head, and she says, 'well try to stand up and feel your feet on the ground'.
Wtf??? I don't need this from her. I need her to help me sort this chaos out. Not just cope with it.
And I've been having good sessions with she-t lately. Even tho I come there all cranky and irritated and confrontational, and try to pull away, but then I really want to let her close and get closer to her.
We have some kind of dynamics where I bounce my thoughts off her and realize new things by myself.
But I really wanted someone who, upon me realizing these things, could help me solve them. And she-t can't.
But maybe it's not time to solve them yet? Or, what if I'm just scared of stdt, and should continue?
So, anxiety level about this is still high.

Then, Friday I spent with my family, we picked grapes and I had a fabulous time. And on Saturday I was supposed to go to the seaside with my friend, for the whole day. And I didn't know what to do, I felt like I wanted to stay home with my family on Saturday too, but then I wasn't sure if maybe I was avoiding and needed to go, just to prove myself I could do it... so I had a bad anxiety attack, stayed up until 4 AM and slept only for a couple of hours, then sent her a text I wasn't going (saying I wasn't feeling well - actually I wasn't, just it wasn't physical but in my mind) and feeling like the worst person in the world to stand her up like that, what kind of friend am I?
(very very bad, I know)

But Saturday, in spite of lack of sleep and the anxiety of the night before, I had a grand time again.
So who can say?

And Saturday evening I went with my sister to her friend's, she had her birthday, and it wasn't so bad. Even tho social anxiety was high. But maybe less high than usual.

Sunday I had a pet therapy event and it went well too, even though the dog got scared of some popping baloons and I had to take him away.

But I was amazed that, even though I was tired and after-anxious, I was able to focus on the moment, all days.

I feel like maca is helping, or maybe primrose oil (apparently it's supposed to help with chronic fatigue)? I finally found a way to eat it without being sick, I mix it with cocoa and milk, and it hides the hideous taste. But I still think I'll try to find capsules or something for the next time...

Yesterday was so-so, work was good but then I came home and couldn't go out again; even though I should have gone to the library to return books, and to buy milk and yoghurt, and to take the dogs for a longer walk... but I just couldn't. I played tetris and bubbles all afternoon. Then I couldn't even shower. I just went to sleep around 11. And still had trouble getting up at 7, so I got up too late and had to eat breakfast at work.

But in general, I feel like I'm better, like I'm moving somewhere. And for more time than before I feel like I can.
And for longer than before I'm able to stay focused in the moment. And that's good.

The definition

So yesterday I went to the beach and then I couldn't go to sleep and today is bad.
Though maybe bearable enough. Adn I have therapy today.

So what is this anxiety like?

I think it's comparable to a headache. Some kind of internal pressure. Physically, I feel it on my shoulders, sometimes in my throat, sometimes in my gut. Emotionally, I feel tension, I'm unable to relax and let go.

And why is it so crippling?

Well, imagine having a headache. Say you have a small headache that makes doing everyday things maybe a little more difficult, but you know it'll go away soon.
Then, imagine having a bad headache. Of course you take a pill and go lie down until it passes.

But then imagine having this bad headache and having to do everyday things, and imagine it never going away. Only being less and more strong, but always there. Imagine not being able to take a pill and lie down to make it go away. Imagine having to go, day by day, being limited by that headache.

Makes sense?

Under pressure

I've made plans to go to the beach today, and to the seaside Saturday for the whole day, and I don't want to go.

There is another agility competition on October 8th, and I said I'll probably go, but I don't want to.

Also I've chosen some apartments to go look at, and I don't want to do that either.

I want to stay hidden in my room.

Which doesn't make much sense either.

I'm trying to avoid anxiety and I'm creating more anxiety by that. But even if I didn't try avoiding, I'd still be anxious.

And I'm angry about something, and I don't know what it is.
Is it the avoidance? Is it because I'm not fighting the avoidance? Is it the changing of therapist that I don't want to do, but think that I should?

At work there's talk of replacing lunch money with food stamps (which would only be useable here - and just now when I'm trying to eat healthier, and eating here doesn't really help me with that), introducing payable parking spots and unfair things happening in other departments, and I'm scared about what will be... I feel like I want to escape, change jobs, and right after that I feel how this is too big for me, changing jobs and everything, and where would I go anyway, and would things be better? probably not... but it's not easy to resign to stay here either.
Maybe I should trust that I'll be ok no matter what, and that I'll change when I'm ready to (which right now I'm definitely not...).
I'm trying so hard not to be negative about this job, but I feel like there's just not enough love in me to like this place, so full of hostility... well, not enough love in me to protect me from all the negative energy here.

This morning I drank down maca with apple juice, and still, dear god how bad it tastes... tomorrow less juice and less maca, so I can drink it faster. I'm thinking of maybe trying it with milk.

Also, this pack of rolled oats I bought, they're strange! I mean, the last one was different? These oat flakes, it's like they don't absorb water, they fall apart and excrete a lot of some kind of mucus? After I eat them I don't feel all that full. I don't know, it's strange.

Knots

See, I don't understand this.

For the last few years I've been YEARNING to take a holiday by the sea. But I didn't want to go alone, and I didn't dare ask anybody.

This year, I get not one, but two offers for a few days by the sea.
And I decline them both.
And I don't know why.

I don't understand this!!!

Maca

I finally got Maca yesterday, and put a spoonful in my cereal this morning.

Dear God! Such gawdawful taste I don't think I've ever tasted... I can't even use words to express how bad it is.
Or, to quote Phoebe from Friends, "Oh sweet lord, this is what evil must taste like!"

I added more yoghurt but still only ate like half a bowl, the rest I shared with the dogs (they really didn't mind the taste, apparently).

So, no more maca in the morning cereal. I've got to find a way to consume it tho... maybe in a glass of juice, like I did with brewer's yeast. Actually I could have both this way, at the same time, maca and the yeast. Shut my nose tight with my fingers and drink it down in one shot, to minimize the taste...
(because brewer's yeast powder doesn't taste good either; but at least it's only bitter, while this is bitter and sour at the same time, brrr)

One good thing came out of this, though. The gawdawful taste totally woke me up!

Anx-o-meter

Yesterday I went to an agility competition.
Considering everything, it didn't go that bad.

Things didn't go exactly as planned - the week was long and difficult and I was really tired on Friday, so I planned to have Saturday off to prepare properly for the competition.
But then I got a call from a friend, with whom I spent the best week this past summer, asking me to go to the beach, so I went... and that wasn't such a brilliant idea. It meant I had to cut down the time for lunch at my parents' (adding anxiety), then on the beach she got stung but some strange worm (seriously!) and I scraped myself on underwater rocks (more anxiety), I got home only at 7 PM and had to run to the store to buy supplies for the competition and for breakfast, and I also wanted to find the cold pressed oils for my skin and maca powder.
I was too tired to carry it out properly, and I couldn't find the right maca powder, in the end I spent a whole hour in the stores, coming home later then I meant and going to sleep only around 10.30 PM, so even more anxiety.
And I had to get up at 3.30 AM, so I had planned to prepare everything in advance, so in the morning I could get up, grab the stuff and go.

It didn't go all by the plan, but I managed everything. And I managed to get some good sleep in the car.

And in the end, I had enough focus to finally run a clean run! I was most happy about that.

But then, anxiety rose and second run wasn't ok. Later I realized I had the most anxiety-inducing lunch, a huge hot-dog with french fries, lots of salt and starch and additives. But they didn't have any vegetables or fruit, at least I couldn't find them (everything was in German). The sun was hot and strong and I got a slight sunburn, and also didn't have enough to drink, so I got a bit dehydrated.
And so the second run was as bad as usual and I got upset, angry and sad. And started to blame the dog again, a bit, and also being really angry with myself, how things never change... I was really tired, and cranky, and a little snappy...

But, on the whole - I did manage a clean run, a first in two years; I did manage to get my breakfast cereal and fruit along; I did manage to sleep in the car, and I did manage to keep the anxiety maybe a tad lower than usual - or maybe at least, I manage to stay aware for longer than usual.

So maybe it wasn't all that bad.

And I know what to improve the next time, at least food wise...

Personal space

Yesterday was therapy session nr.2. Well, formally it was the first one, since the last time it was mostly an introductory session.

We did a fun game of personal space where we stood across the room from each other and she took steps towards me, after each step asking me if I was ok. I stopped her after 3 steps, and then she marked my space with a piece of rope. We played a little with how I felt if I was close to the edge, or when she was close to it. Then we settled at a distance, me inside the space and she outside. She made a point of telling me that she would never ever cross the line.
I came up with Ronia the robber's daughter metaphor for my alienation from the world. And I cried a lot.
I don't like it that I cry so much in the first sessions, always. I can't really help it and maybe it tells something to the therapist, but still.

We didn't talk about anxiety, but I think it will take some practice for me to tell her what I need to get out. I mean I expected that, it took me a while for it to happen with the previous therapist and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it right away from the first time.

She made a nice observation that I'm still pondering about. I was talking about how I try to keep my emotions down, and she said, "Could it be that those emotions are like a link, a bridge to other people?" and I was, "Oh! Hmmm..."

Anyway, there were a few bad points. First, she was late, but she apologised profusely, explained and promised it will never happen again (and I was late too anyway). Then her phone rang, but she shut it right off (bonus points to her). And lastly, a woman came into the room to tell her about the key and interrputed us badly (but she couldn't have foreseen it and she said she will hang a do not disturb sign on the door).

Also, she didn't have any handkerchiefs - but neither did I, I didn't expect to cry so much...

So we'll see how it goes, although I don't have a bad feeling, yet. She made mistakes, but I think she was sorry and will try correcting them. She's really not pushy. And we had a laughing moment while standing on the edge of my space.

Today I have a session with my previous therapist and I need to tell her I will stop coming, oh my, wonder how I'll pull THAT off...

About repressed emotions

Monday morning (two days ago) I woke up really really peaceful and calm.
I was kinda surprised, but happy about it.

Yesterday I lost my temper with the dog over a stupid little thing.
And I didn't even know I was angry.

The beginning

An anxiety journal, what the?

Well, I've been fighting with this for a very long time. I've tried various things, so many I can't even remember them all.

That's why I'd like to try and put things down and see if I can install some sense and order. Follow what I do, track the progress, see if it helps or not, try and see it from a different point of view, a larger picture. Maybe some day come back and find a forgotten solution.

Something like that.

Also, writing is a bit therapeutic.