gnirpS

I'm tired.

Like, really tired.

On Sunday I slept till 1.30 PM! and even then I only got up because my mom called to ask why I was being late for lunch.

I have trouble going to sleep (I'm too wound up) and in the morning I can't get up for the life of me. I had set 4 alarms for this morning and still got up 10 minutes before work.

Also, I'm hungry. Mostly I crave sugar. Or carbohydrates. I think it may be partly from the Olanzapine. But I stuff myself everyday with chocolate, sweets or salty sticks and pretzels.

It shows too, of course... those 4 kg I got by stuffing with Mars bars didn't go away, on the contrary - I think I might have gotten 2 more.

Hm, but now I'm starting to think the two might be connected... the fatigue and the CH overdose. Hm.

I keep planning to eat less, but then I get hungry. And then I tell myself I'd rather have a few kg more and be happy then be really thin and depressed.

I got over the shock of the therapist quite quickly, actually. I was really surprised. I spent the weekend with my sis and came back home refreshed and calm, almost soothed. And last week was pretty good, actually. But the weekend saw me slipping down again.

But, also, I managed to meditate a little bit, and it is very refreshing. Sitting down and trying to stay erect hurts a bit, but when I open my eyes it feels ok.

So I have good days and bad days; and while good days are really good, bad ones are still quite bad.

(Today is one of those really bad ones. My limbs are heavy and my brain is like frozen. And I can't really think of a good way to finish this post.)

Slipknot

I can feel myself slipping down the slippery slope again.
I'm starting to shut down, daydreaming, taking it out on the dogs, I'm sleepy all the time and for my life I can't get up in the morning.
It's not so much anxiety - or maybe it is anxiety, maybe it's so much anxiety I'm shutting down because I can't take it and I'm becoming depressed.

So, considering the post about responsibility and the post about acceptance (that one I still have to write), I need to
1. accept this as it is and try to understand the message it sends me
2. take responsibility and try to solve it
3. be patient and try to solve it gently...

It's not easy... as when I try to accept it, then I feel I shouldn't mess with it; and when I try to tackle it down, I'd like to do that righthererightnow! without accepting the condition, I'd prefer to pretend it does not exist, just make it go away...

So anyway. I kinda made my mind about trying St. John's wort. There's a little voice inside of me that keeps saying, it won't help - because it's a bad, bad condition, and I need something more radical.
But on the other hand, what with trying to be so "bio" and natural and let myself heal myself, I'd rather try the natural remedy first before attacking my brain with synthetic compounds.
So I think I'll try this for a month. It takes a month to start working, anyway. So I'll try until the end of October, and if it's not good, or not good enough, I'll go see a psychiatrist.
The weather is gorgeous, and for the time being I still am able to take things day by day (it's an effort - I came up with a nice analogy, the one of Orpheus and Eurydice - but I'll write about that in another post).

I come home from work and want to go to sleep.

Maybe I'm just too tired?

I'm thinking of adding valerian to the st. John's wort, and see what happens.

Recap

The last days were... well, kinda exhausting.

I'm even more unsure about the new therapist (stdt).
As I was walking to the session on Thursday (it's so close I felt it would be realy pretentious to drive) I suddenly let myself feel what I felt and act what I feel, and that is, my "push away" technology - and let her deal with that...
It's not that she's not nice, but... I just don't feel her. She's somehow like my second therapist (he-t). Distant. Very formal. And yet she's very much like my current therapist (she-t), with her ideas and approach. Like, I tell her I'm swept away by chaos in my head, and she says, 'well try to stand up and feel your feet on the ground'.
Wtf??? I don't need this from her. I need her to help me sort this chaos out. Not just cope with it.
And I've been having good sessions with she-t lately. Even tho I come there all cranky and irritated and confrontational, and try to pull away, but then I really want to let her close and get closer to her.
We have some kind of dynamics where I bounce my thoughts off her and realize new things by myself.
But I really wanted someone who, upon me realizing these things, could help me solve them. And she-t can't.
But maybe it's not time to solve them yet? Or, what if I'm just scared of stdt, and should continue?
So, anxiety level about this is still high.

Then, Friday I spent with my family, we picked grapes and I had a fabulous time. And on Saturday I was supposed to go to the seaside with my friend, for the whole day. And I didn't know what to do, I felt like I wanted to stay home with my family on Saturday too, but then I wasn't sure if maybe I was avoiding and needed to go, just to prove myself I could do it... so I had a bad anxiety attack, stayed up until 4 AM and slept only for a couple of hours, then sent her a text I wasn't going (saying I wasn't feeling well - actually I wasn't, just it wasn't physical but in my mind) and feeling like the worst person in the world to stand her up like that, what kind of friend am I?
(very very bad, I know)

But Saturday, in spite of lack of sleep and the anxiety of the night before, I had a grand time again.
So who can say?

And Saturday evening I went with my sister to her friend's, she had her birthday, and it wasn't so bad. Even tho social anxiety was high. But maybe less high than usual.

Sunday I had a pet therapy event and it went well too, even though the dog got scared of some popping baloons and I had to take him away.

But I was amazed that, even though I was tired and after-anxious, I was able to focus on the moment, all days.

I feel like maca is helping, or maybe primrose oil (apparently it's supposed to help with chronic fatigue)? I finally found a way to eat it without being sick, I mix it with cocoa and milk, and it hides the hideous taste. But I still think I'll try to find capsules or something for the next time...

Yesterday was so-so, work was good but then I came home and couldn't go out again; even though I should have gone to the library to return books, and to buy milk and yoghurt, and to take the dogs for a longer walk... but I just couldn't. I played tetris and bubbles all afternoon. Then I couldn't even shower. I just went to sleep around 11. And still had trouble getting up at 7, so I got up too late and had to eat breakfast at work.

But in general, I feel like I'm better, like I'm moving somewhere. And for more time than before I feel like I can.
And for longer than before I'm able to stay focused in the moment. And that's good.

Under pressure

I've made plans to go to the beach today, and to the seaside Saturday for the whole day, and I don't want to go.

There is another agility competition on October 8th, and I said I'll probably go, but I don't want to.

Also I've chosen some apartments to go look at, and I don't want to do that either.

I want to stay hidden in my room.

Which doesn't make much sense either.

I'm trying to avoid anxiety and I'm creating more anxiety by that. But even if I didn't try avoiding, I'd still be anxious.

And I'm angry about something, and I don't know what it is.
Is it the avoidance? Is it because I'm not fighting the avoidance? Is it the changing of therapist that I don't want to do, but think that I should?

At work there's talk of replacing lunch money with food stamps (which would only be useable here - and just now when I'm trying to eat healthier, and eating here doesn't really help me with that), introducing payable parking spots and unfair things happening in other departments, and I'm scared about what will be... I feel like I want to escape, change jobs, and right after that I feel how this is too big for me, changing jobs and everything, and where would I go anyway, and would things be better? probably not... but it's not easy to resign to stay here either.
Maybe I should trust that I'll be ok no matter what, and that I'll change when I'm ready to (which right now I'm definitely not...).
I'm trying so hard not to be negative about this job, but I feel like there's just not enough love in me to like this place, so full of hostility... well, not enough love in me to protect me from all the negative energy here.

This morning I drank down maca with apple juice, and still, dear god how bad it tastes... tomorrow less juice and less maca, so I can drink it faster. I'm thinking of maybe trying it with milk.

Also, this pack of rolled oats I bought, they're strange! I mean, the last one was different? These oat flakes, it's like they don't absorb water, they fall apart and excrete a lot of some kind of mucus? After I eat them I don't feel all that full. I don't know, it's strange.

Maca

I finally got Maca yesterday, and put a spoonful in my cereal this morning.

Dear God! Such gawdawful taste I don't think I've ever tasted... I can't even use words to express how bad it is.
Or, to quote Phoebe from Friends, "Oh sweet lord, this is what evil must taste like!"

I added more yoghurt but still only ate like half a bowl, the rest I shared with the dogs (they really didn't mind the taste, apparently).

So, no more maca in the morning cereal. I've got to find a way to consume it tho... maybe in a glass of juice, like I did with brewer's yeast. Actually I could have both this way, at the same time, maca and the yeast. Shut my nose tight with my fingers and drink it down in one shot, to minimize the taste...
(because brewer's yeast powder doesn't taste good either; but at least it's only bitter, while this is bitter and sour at the same time, brrr)

One good thing came out of this, though. The gawdawful taste totally woke me up!