Nevah

The worst thing about this anxiety is that it completely supresses true feelings.

You wish for something, or for a second forget about restraining yourself and have a positive thought, a glimmer of hope, and right away there's this evil voice, like some witch in children's stories, cackling "don't even try, don't even hope, don't even think of trying, you're bad, you're so bad nobody will ever love you and you'll never be normal, never, NEVER, NEVAHH, ahahahahahah!"

And you try to fight it, you really do (and then you keep meeting therapists who don't believe you), but you're never succesfull. And eventually you stop feeling, wishing, thinking, hoping, because the voice is so bad and scary you never want to hear it again.

It's spring

And my mood is infinitely better. Things are not ok yet, far from it. But I simply can't feel bad in the weather we're having. So I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts (no more than a few weeks, I presume).

Things we learned this winter:

- my mood disorder is definitely sunlight related, as much as I hate to admit it
- so winter really isn't my season, and I'm not very much of use November through February
- I need to adapt to that fact and try to take necessary precautions and measures to help things run along as smoothly as possible, given the circumstances
- I need to organize in such a way that most of important activities in my life are done spring to autumn (like moving, changing jobs etc.) - winter is supposed to be for slumber
- I should save my vacation days and sick days for winter
- I should invest in a SAD light (I need to start saving for it, right after I save enough for the iRobot)
- long, slow walks in nature help; getting in tune with nature helps (slumbering when nature is in slumber, being active when nature is active)
- I enjoy taking long walks by the sea
- also, changes in season, especially rapid changes, are going to affect me, no matter how much medicated I am - that means end of February and some time in September (damn global warming and disappearing spring and autumn)
- but medication does seem to help me get better after that, quicker and also, at all
- a lot of what I thought I am is really just my depression; the few times I've been ok in the past months made me realize I'm actually a nice and good person; when I'm not, it's a red flag and it means I don't feel good
- my brain actually still works amazingly, I'm still really smart (who would have thought); when my brain shuts down is actually because of depression and/or anxiety, and it's another red flag
- one of my problems that hasn't been adressed yet is my constant anxiety, and that's not season related
- I put A LOT of pressure on me (and people around me), pressure to have things done RIGHT NOW and 100% good and accurate; I simply can't allow myself enough time to do things right (so it's not so much that I need to be perfect, as much as I need to be PERFECT RIGHT NOW)
- most of my problems with dogs arise from my anxiety and how I push others when I'm anxious, not from my lack of knowledge or incompetence
- also, goji berries protected me from getting a single cold/flu this winter.

And that is all.

It's a journey

It's a journey, not a destination. It's a journey and there will be ups and downs.

Of course, when I'm in the ups, it seems obvious. Like, d'oh.

But when I'm down, I'm like, 'journey, what journey? I don't want to feel like this, make me better now'.

And maybe I shouldn't feel like this. I mean, for sooo long I've been telling myself, 'it will pass, it will pass, it's just a down, it will pass'.
But when it never passes, or when it passes for a few days only, and when I can't link it to an event in my life, then I think medicine should help.

The problem with the downs is, I still haven't quite figured out what to do with them. I mean, how to react.
Anxiety has been gripping me for the last month or so.
The problem is it's gripped me right after about a week after I started the olanzapine. And that week has been fantastic, and calm, and I was home and happy and it made perfect sense to take things slow and rest and take time to get better.
And when the anxiety started, it was like a crash. Suddenly I didn't know what I needed anymore, and I was home and I felt alone and dissociated from the world, and felt this pressure, this need to DO SOMETHING, and everything fell apart.

I've realized that this need to do is actually a response to anxiety and not so much a pressure from my childhood. I feel anxious and I WANT to be better, and so the logical thing is to do something to feel better - but when nothing really helps this pressure actually makes it worse.

I know by now that this anxiety is some kind of improper response to the environment. Like some limbic reaction, a response so ingrained in my brain it starts up even in moments that shouldn't trigger it.

But knowing doesn't stop it. Maybe it stops it from getting worse. But it's like a pain in a broken leg. You know it's broken, but you can't stop the hurt just by acknowledging it.

It's also very difficult to define it. I was at the psychiatrist two weeks ago, and I was already anxious, but I couldn't really tell her how I felt. It takes a few weeks, it seems, for me to understand what's going on inside of me.

And I'm now understanding its physical effect. I can feel my throat constricting and my limbs turn to lead. Every physical movement that's more than a walk becomes an effort - running, stretching, climbing the stairs.
Which is why I think I need to move more, not while I'm anxious but when I'm ok, or at least not made from lead. So my body will be exercised and bearing the anxiety should be easier. I think.

Getting worse

It's getting worse.

Yesterday at work was bad, it was kinda like I wasn't really awake.
Then my sis called me if I wanted to go out with her&friends, and at first I thought I'd say no, but then I don't know, I went 'what the heck' and joined them.

We went to a sushi restaurant. I've never eaten sushi before. Or sashimi. Or maki. Or the little yakitori.
I'm not really impressed.
Though I did have fun with the chopsticks.

Then I came home and dropped asleep after one episode of Friends.
Awoke at 2.30 AM, got up to feed the dogs and then started feeling so sad... like nothing will be right ever again, ever... I just wanted to die, so I wouldn't have to feel that anymore...
Thank goD for the dog. I called him to lie down beside me, and he did, and I kept my hand on his head and it was comforting, like, an anchor to reality. And even after he had enough and went away, he curled up at my feet, so I still could keep touching him with my foot, and it helped.

This morning I got up and I was ok. At least, more than I was last night. Better than yesterday.

But still. The feeling is here. Just maybe hidden, for the moment being. But it's there.
I was a tiny bit relieved when I read dooce's post yesterday. At least I know I'm not the only one.
But... maybe I won't wait the whole month for St. John's wort to kick in (or not). Maybe I should call that psychiatrist. Even tho I'm scared of her. Even tho I'm afraid she will be just another person I can tick off the list "tried to make them understand, but they don't".

It's just... I dont' want to fight anymore. I can't. It's not worth it. It doesn't help. Because it always comes back. This stupid feeling. I'm so flawed. So broken. I can't do what I want. Because I don't know what I want. I mean, I know, I want to sleep all the time. But that's not really it, is it?

And I'm tired... not just physically, but, I'm tired of fighting and not getting anywhere. Maybe fed up would be a better expression. Disappointed. A bit angry. And without much hope.
I can't think properly.
I can't focus.
I can't make decisions.
I dont' trust my own feelings.
I don't trust my own senses.
I can't feel love. I can't feel loved.
I dont' trust myself.
And I don't trust anybody else.

I can't take this anymore... and I can't fight this feeling that it won't get better, I don't have much energy left...

The definition

So yesterday I went to the beach and then I couldn't go to sleep and today is bad.
Though maybe bearable enough. Adn I have therapy today.

So what is this anxiety like?

I think it's comparable to a headache. Some kind of internal pressure. Physically, I feel it on my shoulders, sometimes in my throat, sometimes in my gut. Emotionally, I feel tension, I'm unable to relax and let go.

And why is it so crippling?

Well, imagine having a headache. Say you have a small headache that makes doing everyday things maybe a little more difficult, but you know it'll go away soon.
Then, imagine having a bad headache. Of course you take a pill and go lie down until it passes.

But then imagine having this bad headache and having to do everyday things, and imagine it never going away. Only being less and more strong, but always there. Imagine not being able to take a pill and lie down to make it go away. Imagine having to go, day by day, being limited by that headache.

Makes sense?

The beginning

An anxiety journal, what the?

Well, I've been fighting with this for a very long time. I've tried various things, so many I can't even remember them all.

That's why I'd like to try and put things down and see if I can install some sense and order. Follow what I do, track the progress, see if it helps or not, try and see it from a different point of view, a larger picture. Maybe some day come back and find a forgotten solution.

Something like that.

Also, writing is a bit therapeutic.