I've made plans to go to the beach today, and to the seaside Saturday for the whole day, and I don't want to go.
There is another agility competition on October 8th, and I said I'll probably go, but I don't want to.
Also I've chosen some apartments to go look at, and I don't want to do that either.
I want to stay hidden in my room.
Which doesn't make much sense either.
I'm trying to avoid anxiety and I'm creating more anxiety by that. But even if I didn't try avoiding, I'd still be anxious.
And I'm angry about something, and I don't know what it is.
Is it the avoidance? Is it because I'm not fighting the avoidance? Is it the changing of therapist that I don't want to do, but think that I should?
At work there's talk of replacing lunch money with food stamps (which would only be useable here - and just now when I'm trying to eat healthier, and eating here doesn't really help me with that), introducing payable parking spots and unfair things happening in other departments, and I'm scared about what will be... I feel like I want to escape, change jobs, and right after that I feel how this is too big for me, changing jobs and everything, and where would I go anyway, and would things be better? probably not... but it's not easy to resign to stay here either.
Maybe I should trust that I'll be ok no matter what, and that I'll change when I'm ready to (which right now I'm definitely not...).
I'm trying so hard not to be negative about this job, but I feel like there's just not enough love in me to like this place, so full of hostility... well, not enough love in me to protect me from all the negative energy here.
This morning I drank down maca with apple juice, and still, dear god how bad it tastes... tomorrow less juice and less maca, so I can drink it faster. I'm thinking of maybe trying it with milk.
Also, this pack of rolled oats I bought, they're strange! I mean, the last one was different? These oat flakes, it's like they don't absorb water, they fall apart and excrete a lot of some kind of mucus? After I eat them I don't feel all that full. I don't know, it's strange.
There is another agility competition on October 8th, and I said I'll probably go, but I don't want to.
Also I've chosen some apartments to go look at, and I don't want to do that either.
I want to stay hidden in my room.
Which doesn't make much sense either.
I'm trying to avoid anxiety and I'm creating more anxiety by that. But even if I didn't try avoiding, I'd still be anxious.
And I'm angry about something, and I don't know what it is.
Is it the avoidance? Is it because I'm not fighting the avoidance? Is it the changing of therapist that I don't want to do, but think that I should?
At work there's talk of replacing lunch money with food stamps (which would only be useable here - and just now when I'm trying to eat healthier, and eating here doesn't really help me with that), introducing payable parking spots and unfair things happening in other departments, and I'm scared about what will be... I feel like I want to escape, change jobs, and right after that I feel how this is too big for me, changing jobs and everything, and where would I go anyway, and would things be better? probably not... but it's not easy to resign to stay here either.
Maybe I should trust that I'll be ok no matter what, and that I'll change when I'm ready to (which right now I'm definitely not...).
I'm trying so hard not to be negative about this job, but I feel like there's just not enough love in me to like this place, so full of hostility... well, not enough love in me to protect me from all the negative energy here.
This morning I drank down maca with apple juice, and still, dear god how bad it tastes... tomorrow less juice and less maca, so I can drink it faster. I'm thinking of maybe trying it with milk.
Also, this pack of rolled oats I bought, they're strange! I mean, the last one was different? These oat flakes, it's like they don't absorb water, they fall apart and excrete a lot of some kind of mucus? After I eat them I don't feel all that full. I don't know, it's strange.
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