The therapist

Today at stdt it was kinda funny. I was terribly sleepy, but relaxed still. We talked about the anxiety attack and whatnot, and we ended up sitting on the table by the wall, facing in the same direction, just looking at the opposite wall.

At first I was uncomfortable. She was really silent. And so neither of us said anything, we just laughed when our eyes met.
But then she explained that she feels that if she said anything it would be too much pressure on me, so she doesn't really know what to say. And I didn't know what to say either.
So we spent most of the session sitting there in silence, staring at the wall.

And it was strange, and funny, but I was relaxed.
And she said she feels ok, just sitting there, looking at the wall, each of us in her own head but that she felt connected. And she said I didn't need to tell her how I felt, just if I was ok, and I told her I was.

So as I was leaving I was still unsure if I wanted to drop her and stick with she-t.
And then I realized I could compromise - I could keep both! Just alternating them, one each week. So I don't go bankrupt.
I'm not sure it will be effective, but at least I can try.

And, I feel maybe I could tell her about it. Because I feel I can't tell it to she-t.
But still I can't leave her. I need her too.
Such a strange situation.