I don't feel much like writing, as that involves thinking, and feeling, and I'm trying to avoid it at the moment.
But I don't want to abandon this blog either. So just a quick update.
So I went to the psychiatrist last week, and surprised myself with all the crying I did in her office. I really didn't know I was in that bad of a state.
And even after that, for the rest of the day, I was so upset, I cried like a river.
So in the night I kept waking up and putting chamomille on my eyes to reduce the puffiness, so I could go to work in the morning.
But it felt so good, getting it all out... it was like, pure emotion, THIS is how I really feel... I'm so tired of pretending I'm fine... I feel BAD, I feel hopeless...
So she prescribed Zoloft (she said it was very mild, and I went huh??? so in what state should I be to be prescribed something more?), 5 minutes of singing and dancing each day, a quick walk dog-less each day, going out for coffee with someone twice a week and to a concert, movie, theatre every two weeks.
It sounded a bit patronizing, and I was really angry with her for not taking me seriously.
But then later, after getting it all out, to my mom and my sister (I think I scared mom a bit when she said I should be strong and hold, on, and I wailed, 'I have nothing to hold on to!'), I realized I'm... tired of taking care of this by myself.
So maybe I'll try and believe her that in 6 months she can make me feel better.
But I don't want to abandon this blog either. So just a quick update.
So I went to the psychiatrist last week, and surprised myself with all the crying I did in her office. I really didn't know I was in that bad of a state.
And even after that, for the rest of the day, I was so upset, I cried like a river.
So in the night I kept waking up and putting chamomille on my eyes to reduce the puffiness, so I could go to work in the morning.
But it felt so good, getting it all out... it was like, pure emotion, THIS is how I really feel... I'm so tired of pretending I'm fine... I feel BAD, I feel hopeless...
So she prescribed Zoloft (she said it was very mild, and I went huh??? so in what state should I be to be prescribed something more?), 5 minutes of singing and dancing each day, a quick walk dog-less each day, going out for coffee with someone twice a week and to a concert, movie, theatre every two weeks.
It sounded a bit patronizing, and I was really angry with her for not taking me seriously.
But then later, after getting it all out, to my mom and my sister (I think I scared mom a bit when she said I should be strong and hold, on, and I wailed, 'I have nothing to hold on to!'), I realized I'm... tired of taking care of this by myself.
So maybe I'll try and believe her that in 6 months she can make me feel better.
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