On it goes

I haven't really been ok in the last weeks, but in these last days it got a bit better.

I've been really anxious and tense, then the culmination was when I went to an agility competition. The anxiety almost killed me, seriously. I was really disappointed because I really thought I was a bit better, and then it turns out I'm not there yet.

:(

But after a day or two I kinda just snapped back and was better. So at least in that part the meds are working.

But then I also discovered I gained 10 kg in three months, since I started the Olanzapine. And today, reading the older posts, I realized fatigue, carb cravings and constant hunger are also part of the olanzapine side effects.

So tomorrow I intend to somehow persuade the psychiatrist to change the mood stabilizer. I do expect she won't say yes. I'm trying to get prepared in my mind, to fight her and make her understand I really need it. But I'm also toying with the idea of going to someone else.

I think I need someone I should be able to trust.

I haven't done any meditation since that acute anxiety attack last week. Will probably start today again. I have been able to exercise quite some (especially after the weight gain shock). And I have been able to keep up daily vacuuming and weekly bathroom cleaning.

So all in all not a very positive report. The general trend is not going upwards anymore. And now I have to shed that extra 10 kg (although I have high hopes at least half will go away by itself, after I stop the Olanzapine).

But panta rei, I hope.