It's spring

And my mood is infinitely better. Things are not ok yet, far from it. But I simply can't feel bad in the weather we're having. So I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts (no more than a few weeks, I presume).

Things we learned this winter:

- my mood disorder is definitely sunlight related, as much as I hate to admit it
- so winter really isn't my season, and I'm not very much of use November through February
- I need to adapt to that fact and try to take necessary precautions and measures to help things run along as smoothly as possible, given the circumstances
- I need to organize in such a way that most of important activities in my life are done spring to autumn (like moving, changing jobs etc.) - winter is supposed to be for slumber
- I should save my vacation days and sick days for winter
- I should invest in a SAD light (I need to start saving for it, right after I save enough for the iRobot)
- long, slow walks in nature help; getting in tune with nature helps (slumbering when nature is in slumber, being active when nature is active)
- I enjoy taking long walks by the sea
- also, changes in season, especially rapid changes, are going to affect me, no matter how much medicated I am - that means end of February and some time in September (damn global warming and disappearing spring and autumn)
- but medication does seem to help me get better after that, quicker and also, at all
- a lot of what I thought I am is really just my depression; the few times I've been ok in the past months made me realize I'm actually a nice and good person; when I'm not, it's a red flag and it means I don't feel good
- my brain actually still works amazingly, I'm still really smart (who would have thought); when my brain shuts down is actually because of depression and/or anxiety, and it's another red flag
- one of my problems that hasn't been adressed yet is my constant anxiety, and that's not season related
- I put A LOT of pressure on me (and people around me), pressure to have things done RIGHT NOW and 100% good and accurate; I simply can't allow myself enough time to do things right (so it's not so much that I need to be perfect, as much as I need to be PERFECT RIGHT NOW)
- most of my problems with dogs arise from my anxiety and how I push others when I'm anxious, not from my lack of knowledge or incompetence
- also, goji berries protected me from getting a single cold/flu this winter.

And that is all.

And also

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1012729/

The fight goes on

http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/

It's a journey

It's a journey, not a destination. It's a journey and there will be ups and downs.

Of course, when I'm in the ups, it seems obvious. Like, d'oh.

But when I'm down, I'm like, 'journey, what journey? I don't want to feel like this, make me better now'.

And maybe I shouldn't feel like this. I mean, for sooo long I've been telling myself, 'it will pass, it will pass, it's just a down, it will pass'.
But when it never passes, or when it passes for a few days only, and when I can't link it to an event in my life, then I think medicine should help.

The problem with the downs is, I still haven't quite figured out what to do with them. I mean, how to react.
Anxiety has been gripping me for the last month or so.
The problem is it's gripped me right after about a week after I started the olanzapine. And that week has been fantastic, and calm, and I was home and happy and it made perfect sense to take things slow and rest and take time to get better.
And when the anxiety started, it was like a crash. Suddenly I didn't know what I needed anymore, and I was home and I felt alone and dissociated from the world, and felt this pressure, this need to DO SOMETHING, and everything fell apart.

I've realized that this need to do is actually a response to anxiety and not so much a pressure from my childhood. I feel anxious and I WANT to be better, and so the logical thing is to do something to feel better - but when nothing really helps this pressure actually makes it worse.

I know by now that this anxiety is some kind of improper response to the environment. Like some limbic reaction, a response so ingrained in my brain it starts up even in moments that shouldn't trigger it.

But knowing doesn't stop it. Maybe it stops it from getting worse. But it's like a pain in a broken leg. You know it's broken, but you can't stop the hurt just by acknowledging it.

It's also very difficult to define it. I was at the psychiatrist two weeks ago, and I was already anxious, but I couldn't really tell her how I felt. It takes a few weeks, it seems, for me to understand what's going on inside of me.

And I'm now understanding its physical effect. I can feel my throat constricting and my limbs turn to lead. Every physical movement that's more than a walk becomes an effort - running, stretching, climbing the stairs.
Which is why I think I need to move more, not while I'm anxious but when I'm ok, or at least not made from lead. So my body will be exercised and bearing the anxiety should be easier. I think.

A thing for spring

Yesterday I took a day off work because I was supposed to do a thing in the capital... but at the very last minute, it got canceled.

So instead I packed up the dogs and headed for my favorite dog walking beach.

It wasn't as good as last time, when we were completely alone. There were quite some people, and I kept running into them, and they were loud and chatty.

Surprisingly though, I still relaxed and enjoyed myself. At the tiny part of the beach that is sandy I even took off my shoes and socks and wandered a bit in the water. (cold! brrrr)

In the afternoon I thought I'd finally kick my butt to yoga - something I've been planning to do for about two years! - but in the end I managed to misread the hours and missed the right time.

It's like I'm trying to avoid it at all cost and I don't know why. I can feel my body needs to stretch, what with sitting behind my desk for 8 hours straight and then spending the rest of the day on the couch.

So instead I read another chapter of the midnfulness book and did another exercise.

And suddenly I' remembering how much I used to enjoy meditation, and suddenly I'm realizing just how wound up I am.

I couldn't fall asleep until 2 AM, I kept thinking about why I'm so wound up and about Cc... even cried a little bit... finally I gave up, put on 3rd rock from the sun and 3 episodes finally rocked me to sleep.

Last week and part of this week were terrible, I was anxious and restless and didn't know what to do with myself. So I was surprised to feel better yesterday evening and today, too. It's sunny outside, the spring is coming full swing and something inside of me just wants to get outside and be outside.

So for this afternoon I plan a shorter walk with the dogs, a short rollerskating session and a short jog.

Sunshine makes me feel giddy.

:)