Body scan

Yesterday I finally got to try the first of the midnfulness exercises.
I really enjoyed it. It was like a kind of a mindful body relaxation, the type I did when I did relaxation exercises. And I was able to focus through it to the end. Even though I stopped in the middle of it to answer a phone call, I was able to continue on without problems. And even though the guy that reads it gives you about 2 seconds to focus on each body part and hurries on, so I had to pause the CD every minute or so, in the end it didn't bother me.

And when finished, I was there, lying in the dark, actually awake (because it's emphasised that you're supposed to stay awake, not fall asleep doing it) and I was relaxed and focused, and I couldn't get up. Not to shower, not to brush my teeth and not even to move to the bed. Not for the life of me. Not even to set my alarm clock. So I improvised with my phone (without turning the lights on), called the big dog back to my feet (during the exercise he kept trying to get my attention and I got quite nervous at one time and scolded him to his bed, where he then lay - and when I called him back he sprung up and raced to me; sweet thing :) ) and just fell asleep.

Girl, interrupted

I guess an update is long overdue. I don't feel like writing as much as I did then, but reading the older posts made me realize it's important to somehow follow the progress. And today I finally feel like I have something to say.

So things were really bad. Then they got beter, then worse, then better again, then really bad, then really better, and now I'm slipping downwards again.
Although, in overall, I guess the trend is that of going upwards. I just wish the downs weren't such a pain in the ass.
But the ups are way better, and the downs are a bit easier, even if it's just slightly.
It's such a great feeling when you try using your brain and it actually works!

I can't help but smile when I remember I thought St.John's wort was gonna be enough :) All the bad episodes so far have been interrupted by introducing a new medication, or a higher dose of it. As of today I'm on 100mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion and 2,5mg olanzapine.
And I guess that's not even the final combination, given the state I'm currently slipping in.

I'm sometimes upset with the psychiatrist and really angry, because she makes me feel like I don't try hard enough. I feel like she lets me slip really low before altering my medication protocol. It seems like I can't make her understand I know myself and my feelings enough to know when I need more help than just a, "you're doing good".
Yeah, I guess my progress is OK, and it does feel like I sweat blood for it, but that's really not the point; the point is I'm not stable enough, yet, to be able to work on myself. And so when I tell her that, the first thing she thinks is that I'm looking for an easy way out, which, OF COURSE I AM, doh. It's not like I enjoy feeling THIS bad.

I'm happy to have dropped the she-therapist. She is, now that I can look at it objectively, so not suitable to be a therapist. She's not objective and includes way too much of herself into therapy. And she doesn't let you get better in your own pace, she pressures you, I guess ultimately to make herself feel succesful. And, I think she wasn't 100% honest with me.
I realize now that those are her problems, not mine. And while I don't judge her for having that problems, it's totally human, I think she should've worked harder on herself before starting to therapy others. Or at least, realize she's not well yet.

The Pope is good. Although a lot of the times I feel I don't want to go to the session. But so far almost every time it turned out to be a good session. I also broadened the interval between sessions to 2 weeks; a bit because of money and a bit because in this way I pressure myself less and I don't pin my moods to weekly sessions, like I did with she-t. I came to realize pinning my mood on persons, events or things I do is not the way to go; although sometimes it helps, I can't really function like that long term. I need to reach such stability that my mood won't be altered by outside things so much, neither in a good way nor in a bad way. It was kinda scary to realize that I've been doing that for the last 15 years or so... and that it will take a while to teach my mind not to do that anymore.

I'm also happy to have dropped the self-help group. Turns out it's not all that helpful afterall. It helps in understanding you're not an alien because of your mood disorder, but it lacks a professional coordinator. People who are instable, mixed together without a buffer, are hell. The woman that's supposed to be the group leader has a good heart and all the best intentions, but I came to realize getting better is not about someone telling you what you need to do to get better and then pressuring you to do it, NOW! It's about getting better in your own rhytm, when you can and in a way you can.

I'm starting to realize how important is to listen to yourself and to fine tune with your feelings. I'm also realizing the role of medication is exactly this - helping me actually hear myself, through all that noise of anxiety, sadness, anger and racing thoughts.
I'm learning (again - I've known all this about 12 years ago, but it slipped my mind, somehow) to let myself and my subconscious work things out. How to be patient, assess things and let them work out mostly by themselves, without general pressure, applying pressure only where needed and only as much as needed.
I knew all that rationally, but I couldn't feel it. But it seems the more I accept it, and myself, and the more I feel it, the more I can do it.

Still, it's SO difficult, and painful, to stay still when your body is responding with 'fight or flight' and the mind is racing 'gogogo'.
And it's SO difficult being patient when I want to be better NOW and not in a few years.
And it's SO horrible realizing that still my relating to others is nowhere near good and that I'm still an island.

I also realized I don't know how to just be. It's like my mind doesn't know how to be in BE mode, feeling whatever, either good or bad. When it's bad, it's 'gogogo' do something to stop feeling this bad; and when it's good, it's 'gogogo' to recuperate everything I (may have) missed while feeling bad.
And it's nearly impossible not being angry at myself for still being this way and not having been able to get out of it sooner or less painfully.

Eppur si muove.

I will admit tho - on one hand it's interesting, this journey, but on the other, I HATE it. I hate it that I'm like this and that I have to deal with all the garbage from the past. I wish my mother hand't been such a wuss and helped me, instead of just waiting what will happen; I wish my father hadn't been so absent and had noticed something was wrong; I wish that someone, anyone, would have noticed something was off.
And I'm angry, I'm livid, that I've been left to my premises since... since always, I guess.
And I don't know how to forgive others for that. Or if I want to forgive.

Other things I'm learning:

- how to organize my life around depression (come to think of it I've always done the opposite, try to fit depression around my life - no go),
- how mindfulness can help with that (now, with all this medication, I can finally relax and meditate again),
- how to enjoy my dogs (by dropping all activities that put even a slight pressure on me or them),
- how to teach big dog to stay calm around other dogs (by marking and rewarding feelings, not behavior),
- how to play tug with little dog (dropping all expectations and simply playing "I'll steal this from you"),
- that my job is STRESSFUL (I daresay way more than an average job),
- but that I don't hate it as much as I can't cope with the pressure (not only of responsibility but everything else, connected to various relationships on the job).

That, and I had a TALK with my parents. I was so high from it I actually thought, for a few days, that all is well. Turns out ot so much. But at least it's a start.