Pure emotion

I don't feel much like writing, as that involves thinking, and feeling, and I'm trying to avoid it at the moment.
But I don't want to abandon this blog either. So just a quick update.

So I went to the psychiatrist last week, and surprised myself with all the crying I did in her office. I really didn't know I was in that bad of a state.
And even after that, for the rest of the day, I was so upset, I cried like a river.
So in the night I kept waking up and putting chamomille on my eyes to reduce the puffiness, so I could go to work in the morning.
But it felt so good, getting it all out... it was like, pure emotion, THIS is how I really feel... I'm so tired of pretending I'm fine... I feel BAD, I feel hopeless...

So she prescribed Zoloft (she said it was very mild, and I went huh??? so in what state should I be to be prescribed something more?), 5 minutes of singing and dancing each day, a quick walk dog-less each day, going out for coffee with someone twice a week and to a concert, movie, theatre every two weeks.

It sounded a bit patronizing, and I was really angry with her for not taking me seriously.
But then later, after getting it all out, to my mom and my sister (I think I scared mom a bit when she said I should be strong and hold, on, and I wailed, 'I have nothing to hold on to!'), I realized I'm... tired of taking care of this by myself.
So maybe I'll try and believe her that in 6 months she can make me feel better.

Getting worse

It's getting worse.

Yesterday at work was bad, it was kinda like I wasn't really awake.
Then my sis called me if I wanted to go out with her&friends, and at first I thought I'd say no, but then I don't know, I went 'what the heck' and joined them.

We went to a sushi restaurant. I've never eaten sushi before. Or sashimi. Or maki. Or the little yakitori.
I'm not really impressed.
Though I did have fun with the chopsticks.

Then I came home and dropped asleep after one episode of Friends.
Awoke at 2.30 AM, got up to feed the dogs and then started feeling so sad... like nothing will be right ever again, ever... I just wanted to die, so I wouldn't have to feel that anymore...
Thank goD for the dog. I called him to lie down beside me, and he did, and I kept my hand on his head and it was comforting, like, an anchor to reality. And even after he had enough and went away, he curled up at my feet, so I still could keep touching him with my foot, and it helped.

This morning I got up and I was ok. At least, more than I was last night. Better than yesterday.

But still. The feeling is here. Just maybe hidden, for the moment being. But it's there.
I was a tiny bit relieved when I read dooce's post yesterday. At least I know I'm not the only one.
But... maybe I won't wait the whole month for St. John's wort to kick in (or not). Maybe I should call that psychiatrist. Even tho I'm scared of her. Even tho I'm afraid she will be just another person I can tick off the list "tried to make them understand, but they don't".

It's just... I dont' want to fight anymore. I can't. It's not worth it. It doesn't help. Because it always comes back. This stupid feeling. I'm so flawed. So broken. I can't do what I want. Because I don't know what I want. I mean, I know, I want to sleep all the time. But that's not really it, is it?

And I'm tired... not just physically, but, I'm tired of fighting and not getting anywhere. Maybe fed up would be a better expression. Disappointed. A bit angry. And without much hope.
I can't think properly.
I can't focus.
I can't make decisions.
I dont' trust my own feelings.
I don't trust my own senses.
I can't feel love. I can't feel loved.
I dont' trust myself.
And I don't trust anybody else.

I can't take this anymore... and I can't fight this feeling that it won't get better, I don't have much energy left...