So this update is so long overdue I have no idea where to start. I was really intent on writing about the goods and the bads of olanzapine and the titrating of lamotrigine, but for some reason I just couldn't do it. I even opened Blogger a few times and started the post, but I didn't feel like writing.
So yeah, I asked the psychiatrist to switch my mood stabilizer, and to my great surprise, she did right away. She gave me lamotrigine.
Weaning off olanzapine was a pain. I asked the psych if I should gradually lower the dose, but she said nah, maybe take half a pill for a few days. I was eager to get off so I only split the dose in half two times (four halves), then I stopped. I was smart enough to do it on a Friday, because I spent the whole weekend in bed and Monday called in sick. But then it got better.
But lamotrigine took ages to kick in, and the first weeks were bad again. I read all about lamotrigine on this cool site and wanted to go up really slow.
(Also I started taking folic acid, B complex and zync supplements right away because I read that:
a. anti-epileptics eat away your folic acid
b. some people experienced hair loss
c. zync might help prevent the rash and/or other skin problems.
So far so good!)
So I started with 12.5 mg for two weeks, then 25mg and then we went up to 50mg. The first days I was sleepy and phased, if I took it in the evening I couldn't sleep, if I took it in the morning I kept falling asleep at work, so taking it after lunch turned out to be the right time.
At first I felt like I didn't care for anything anymore, again. And generally, I just felt... bad. After I got to 50 I had two weeks of absolute bliss; I was happy, calm, focused. Then just out of the blue I became agitated, restless and mostly, irritable like hell. I felt really uncomfortable, out of control and also I didn't know if it would go away or not. I was also really prone to stress at that time. I just couldn't calm down in relax.
The psych wasn't of much help, said maybe I could try going back down to 25 - but I didn't want to, because 25 wasn't helpful. So, thanks to the forums on the cool site, I tried splitting the dose in half (25 morning, 25 evening) and it helped with irritability. Restlessness was still there, so for a while I tried 75 mg (50 morning, 25 evening). But then for a few days I forgot to take the evening dose and now I'm just on the morning 50mg. It's also easier because I can take my pills all at one time and forget about it for the reast of the day.
In retrospective, switching olanzapine wasn't a very good idea. I was just getting stable, wasn't really there yet and then I went right back down in instability for another 3 months. I think it would have been better if I had waited to be really stable on olanzapine and then gradually made the switch. But I was feeling uncomfortable, physically, not only for the extra weight but because the water retention was so bad. And I did shed those 10 kg after switching! Well, 8 :) but I didn't make any extra effort. Just eating as I had before, two times a day, because I wasn't hungry all the time anymore. And swimming a few times a week.
So now I'm on lamotrigine and I'm stable. I don't really have anxiety attacks, I'm not sad, my mood is not swinging.
I'm not happy either, and I feel I can't come down and calm down. It's a strange feeling, like being wound up a little all the time. The focus isn't as good as on ola, then I felt amazing clarity, now I feel like I'm using 85% of my brain, the rest is just... foggy. I also don't hold myself together as good as I did with olanzapine. I'm a bit lazy, don't care much about things, but at least I don't care that I don't care :)
I wanted to talk about not being able to calm down with the psychiatrist, instead we ended up fighting (if you can call that a fight, her lecturing me and pressuring me and me trying to breathe calmly and holding back tears of frustration). I'm soooo pissed off at her right now, isn't it easy to be smugh from behind the desk and accusing people of feeling sorry for themselves and not trying hard enough? So much easier than actually listening to them and paying attention. Grrrrr! But I guess I'll leave that to another post.
When I calmed down a bit I decided to stick with the medicine this time, at least for a while. We'll see what happens. Either my mood will swing again or after a calm period maybe it'll be clearer to me what to do next.
So yeah, I asked the psychiatrist to switch my mood stabilizer, and to my great surprise, she did right away. She gave me lamotrigine.
Weaning off olanzapine was a pain. I asked the psych if I should gradually lower the dose, but she said nah, maybe take half a pill for a few days. I was eager to get off so I only split the dose in half two times (four halves), then I stopped. I was smart enough to do it on a Friday, because I spent the whole weekend in bed and Monday called in sick. But then it got better.
But lamotrigine took ages to kick in, and the first weeks were bad again. I read all about lamotrigine on this cool site and wanted to go up really slow.
(Also I started taking folic acid, B complex and zync supplements right away because I read that:
a. anti-epileptics eat away your folic acid
b. some people experienced hair loss
c. zync might help prevent the rash and/or other skin problems.
So far so good!)
So I started with 12.5 mg for two weeks, then 25mg and then we went up to 50mg. The first days I was sleepy and phased, if I took it in the evening I couldn't sleep, if I took it in the morning I kept falling asleep at work, so taking it after lunch turned out to be the right time.
At first I felt like I didn't care for anything anymore, again. And generally, I just felt... bad. After I got to 50 I had two weeks of absolute bliss; I was happy, calm, focused. Then just out of the blue I became agitated, restless and mostly, irritable like hell. I felt really uncomfortable, out of control and also I didn't know if it would go away or not. I was also really prone to stress at that time. I just couldn't calm down in relax.
The psych wasn't of much help, said maybe I could try going back down to 25 - but I didn't want to, because 25 wasn't helpful. So, thanks to the forums on the cool site, I tried splitting the dose in half (25 morning, 25 evening) and it helped with irritability. Restlessness was still there, so for a while I tried 75 mg (50 morning, 25 evening). But then for a few days I forgot to take the evening dose and now I'm just on the morning 50mg. It's also easier because I can take my pills all at one time and forget about it for the reast of the day.
In retrospective, switching olanzapine wasn't a very good idea. I was just getting stable, wasn't really there yet and then I went right back down in instability for another 3 months. I think it would have been better if I had waited to be really stable on olanzapine and then gradually made the switch. But I was feeling uncomfortable, physically, not only for the extra weight but because the water retention was so bad. And I did shed those 10 kg after switching! Well, 8 :) but I didn't make any extra effort. Just eating as I had before, two times a day, because I wasn't hungry all the time anymore. And swimming a few times a week.
So now I'm on lamotrigine and I'm stable. I don't really have anxiety attacks, I'm not sad, my mood is not swinging.
I'm not happy either, and I feel I can't come down and calm down. It's a strange feeling, like being wound up a little all the time. The focus isn't as good as on ola, then I felt amazing clarity, now I feel like I'm using 85% of my brain, the rest is just... foggy. I also don't hold myself together as good as I did with olanzapine. I'm a bit lazy, don't care much about things, but at least I don't care that I don't care :)
I wanted to talk about not being able to calm down with the psychiatrist, instead we ended up fighting (if you can call that a fight, her lecturing me and pressuring me and me trying to breathe calmly and holding back tears of frustration). I'm soooo pissed off at her right now, isn't it easy to be smugh from behind the desk and accusing people of feeling sorry for themselves and not trying hard enough? So much easier than actually listening to them and paying attention. Grrrrr! But I guess I'll leave that to another post.
When I calmed down a bit I decided to stick with the medicine this time, at least for a while. We'll see what happens. Either my mood will swing again or after a calm period maybe it'll be clearer to me what to do next.
